I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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