My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
