I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
