Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I just gargled with NyQuil
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
