you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
my shit smells like andre
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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