Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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