In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
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