I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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