??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
