thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Vodka?
Forever.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
