Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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