I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
