I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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