some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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