I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
