we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
