just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
