Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Houston, we have a blender
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
