You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
