i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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