my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
