the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize