I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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