Please, let me fuck your mom
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Randomize
