Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
