This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
