Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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