My hand turned me down
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize