Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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