Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
