i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
