his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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