I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
