Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
