my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
