Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
