Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Holy shit dude........stairs
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
