i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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