she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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