He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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