2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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