On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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