you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
