so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
