I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
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