I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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