its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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