What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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