I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
