I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
