I wish I could teleport
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
