Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
