You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
