Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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