He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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