I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
