Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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