Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Randomize
