You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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